- movie transcript -





JOHN: Hey pardon me for asking, but whoís that little old man?

PAUL: Eh, what little old man?

JOHN: That little old man.

PAUL: Oh that one. That's me Grandfather.

GEORGE: Your Grandfather?

PAUL: Yeah.

GEORGE: Thatís not your Grandfather.

PAUL: It is you know.

GEORGE: But Iíve seen your Grandfather, he lives in your house.

PAUL: Oh thatís me other Grandfather, but heís me Grandfather as well.

JOHN: How díyou reckon that one out?

PAUL: Well everyoneís entitled to two, arenít they, and thatís me other one.

JOHN: Well we know all that, but whatís he doing here?

PAUL: Well me mother thought a trip would do him good.

RINGO: Howís that?

PAUL: Heís nursing a broken heart.

JOHN: Aw poor old thing. Hey mister, are you nursing a broken heart? Heís a nice little man, ain't he?

PAUL: HeÖ heís veryÖ clean.

JOHN: Hello, Grandfather!


JOHN: He can talk then, can he?

PAUL: ĎCourse he can talk, heís a human being, isnít he?

RINGO: Well if heís your Grandfather, who knows ha-ha-ha-ha!

JOHN: And weíre looking after him, are we?

GRANDFATHER: I look after meself.

PAUL: Yeah, thatís what I'm afraid of.

JOHN: Heís got you worried then?

PAUL: Yep! Heís a villain, a real mixer. And heíll cost you a fortune in breach of promise cases.

GEORGE: Gerron.

PAUL: No, straight on.

SHAKE: Hiya.

PAUL: Hello Shake.

GEORGE: Hello Shake.

SHAKE: You got on all right then?


SHAKE: Oh. Well we got here. Norm will be on in a minute with the tickets. HeyÖ who's the little old man?

GEORGE: It's Paul's grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh aye, I better thoughtÖ

JOHN: No, thatís his other one.

SHAKE: Oh thatís all right then.

JOHN: Clean though, isnít he?

SHAKE: Oh aye Ö heís very clean.

NORM: Morning lads.

BOYS: Hi / morning Norm.

NORM: Well thank God weíve all got here. Now look, Iíve had a marvellous idea: just for once, letís all try to behave like ordinary respectable citizens. Letís not cause any trouble, pull any strokes or do anything Iím going to be sorry for, especially tomorrow in that television theatre, becaÖ

NORM: Are you listening to me, Lennon?

JOHN: Youíre a swine. Ainít he George?

GEORGE: Yeah, the swine.

NORM: Thanks. HeyÖ

BOYS: ... whoís that little old man?

NORM: Ö man? Well who is he?

RINGO: He belongs to Paul.

NORM: Ah well.  Iím going down for a cup of coffee, anyone coming?

PAUL: Weíll follow you down.

GRANDFATHER: I want me coffee.

NORM: Well you can come with Shake and me if you like.

PAUL: Look after him, but I donít want to find youíve lost him.

NORM: Don't be cheeky. Iíll bind him to me with promises. Very clean, isnít he? Come here, Granddad.

JOHNSON: Make up your mind, will you!

PAUL: Well, morning.

RINGO: All right? Uuuh.

PAUL: Do you mind if we have it open?

JOHNSON: Yes I do.

JOHN: Yeah, but thereís four of us and weíd like it open. Not if itís all the same to you, that is.

JOHNSON: It isnít. I travel on this train regularly, twice a week. So I suppose Iíve some rights.

RINGO: So have we.

JOHNSON: And weíll have that thing off as well, thank you.


JOHNSON: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you that Iím perfectly within my rights.

PAUL: Yeah, but we want to hear it.  Thereís more of us than you.  Weíre a community, a majority vote, up the workers and all that stuff!

JOHNSON: Then I suggest you take that damned thing into the corridor. Or to some other part of the train, where you obviously belong.

JOHN: Give us a kiss!

PAUL: Look mister, weíve paid for our seats too, you know.

JOHNSON: I travel on this train regularly, twice a week.

JOHN: Knock it off Paul, you canít win with his sort. After all itís his train, isnít it mister?

JOHNSON: And donít take that tone with me, young man! I fought the war, for your sort!

RINGO: I bet you're sorry you won!

JOHNSON: I shall call the guard!

PAUL: Ah, but what? They donít take that kindly to insults you know.  Come on, letís go and have some coffee, and leave the Colonel to Lassie.

PAUL: Hey mister, can we have our ball back?

BOYS: Mister can we have our ball back?


NORM: You wanna watch it.

SHAKE: Well itís not my fault.

NORM: You stick to that story, son.

SHAKE: I canít help it. Iím just taller than you are.

GRANDFATHER: They always say that.

NORM: Well I got me eye on ya.

SHAKE: Iím sorry Norm, I canít help being taller than you.

NORM: Well donít look contempt. Iíve a good mind to thump you, Shake.

JOHN: Hey if youíre going to have a barney, can I hold your coat?

NORM: He started it.

SHAKE: I did not, you did.

GEORGE: Well what happened?

SHAKE: The old fella said, that could he have these pictures and Norm said no, and all I said was well, why not be big about it?'

PAUL: And?

NORM: Your Grandfather pointed out that Shake was always being taller than me just to spite me.

PAUL: I knew it, he started it. I should have known.

NORM: Yíwhat?

PAUL: You two have never had an argument in your life, and in two minutes flat heís got you at it. Heís a king mixer.  He hates group unity so he gets everyone at it.

GEORGE: Well I suggest you just give him the photos and have done with it.

NORM: Oh all right you old devil, heríya.

GRANDFATHER: Hey Paulie, would you ever sign one of them for us?

NORM: Oh come on Shake.

GEORGE: Hey look at the talent.

JOHN: Letís give Ďem a pull.

PAUL: Should I?

GEORGE: Aye, but donít rush. None of your five bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.

PAUL: Whatís that supposed to mean?

GEORGE: I donít know, I thought it just sounded distinguished-like.

JOHN: George Harrison, The Scouse of Distinction.

PAUL: Excuse me. Excuse me, but these young men Iím sitting with wondered if two of us could come over and join you. Iíd ask you meself only Iím shy.

GRANDFATHER: Iím sorry miss, but you mustnít fraternise with me prisoners.

GIRL: Prisoners?!

GRANDFATHER: Convicts in transit. Typical old lags, the lot of Ďem.

THE BOYS: Yíwhat?

GRANDFATHER: Get out ladies, get out while you can!


NORM: He's been gone a long time.


NORM: Paulís grandfather.

SHAKE: Oh I didnít notice, whereíd he go?

NORM: Down the... er...

SHAKE: Oh down the... er...?

NORM: Yeah down the... er...

SHAKE: Oh weíll give him a couple of minutes then.


NORM: Hey! Have you seen Paulís grandfather?

JOHN: Of course, heís concealed about his person.

NORM: NawÖ he must have slipped off somewhere.

PAUL: Have you lost him?

NORM: Now donít exaggerate.

PAUL: Youíve lost him!

SHAKE: LookÖ put it this way PaulieÖ heís mislaid him.

PAUL: Honest, you can't trust you with anything Norm. If youíve lost him, Iíll cripple ya.

SHAKE: He canít have got far.

NORM: Come here, letís look up the sharp end.


GEORGE: Whatís the matter with you there?

RINGO: Itís his Grandfather. I can tell he doesnít like me, itís cause Iím little.

GEORGE: Youíve got an inferiority complex, you have.

RINGO: Yeah I know, thatís why I play the drums. Itís me active compensatory factor.


GEORGE: Going in then?

RINGO: No, sheíll only reject me in the end and Iíll be frustrated.

GEORGE: You never know, you might be lucky this time.

RINGO: No, I know the psychological pattern and it plays havoc with me drum skins.


PAUL: Excuse me, have you seen that little old man we were with?

JOHN: Weíve broken out, oh the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file? These handcuffs are killing me. I was framed. Iím innocent. I donít want to go!

PAUL: Sorry for disturbing you girlsÖ

JOHN: I bet you canít guess what I was in forÖ


PAUL: Shall we go in here?

JOHN: Naw. Itís probably a honeymoon couple or a company director or something.

PAUL: Well I donít care. Iím gonna broaden my outlook.

GRANDFATHER: Congratulate me boys! Iím engaged.

PAUL: Oh no, you're not. Not this time.


GRANDFATHER: And to think me own grandson would let them put me behind bars!

PAUL: Don't dramatise. Letís face it, youíre lucky to be here. Let them have their own way you would have been dropped off already.

PAUL: Well youíve got to admit youíve upset a lot of people. At least I can keep my eye on ya while you're stuck in here. Shove up!

GRANDFATHER: Odds or evens?

PAUL: Odds.

JOHN: Don't worry son, we'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy.

PAUL: Oh it's a laugh a line with Lennon. Anyroad up, it's all your fault.

RINGO: Why me?

GEORGE: Why not you?

JOHN: Ghast, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny... they usually reckon dogs more than people in England. You'd expect something more palatial. Let's do something then.

PAUL: Like what?

JOHN: Mmm.

PAUL: Ok. Cor, itís the girls.

RINGO: Iíll deal them.

JOHN: Aye aye, the Liverpool shuffle.




GEORGE:  Heís wearing his lucky rings.

RINGO: All mine!

JOHN: They wonít buy you happiness my son.

NORM: Hey! Donít move any of you. Theyíve gone potty out there. The whole place is surging with girls.

JOHN: Please sir, can I have one to surgery, sir, please sir?

NORM: No you canít. Now listen. As soon as I tell you, get out through this door here, into that big car thatís waiting. Come here lads, come here.


RINGO: I donít snore.

GEORGE: You doÖ repeatedly.

RINGO: Do I snore John?

JOHN: Yeah youíre a window rattler, son.

RINGO: That's just your opinion. Do I snore Paul?

PAUL: Well with a trombone hooter like yours itíd be unnatural if you didnít.

GRANDFATHER: No Paulie. Don't mock the afflicted.

PAUL: Oh come off it. Itís only a joke.

GRANDFATHER: Ah, it may be a joke, but itís his nose. He canít help having a hideous great hose, and a poor little head, trembling under the weight of it.

NORM: John, Paul, George. Come here, get at it.

JOHN: Hello the income tax have caught up with us at last?

RINGO: None for me, then?

NORM: Sorry.

JOHN: Thisíll keep you busy.

GRANDFATHER: It's your nose, yíknow. Fans are funny that way. Take a dislike to things. Theyíll pick on a nose...

RINGO: You pick on your own.

SHAKE: Hey, here.

JOHN: Those yours?

SHAKE: No theyíre for Ringo.

JOHN: Must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.

GEORGE: He comes from a large family.

RINGO: Well? Whatís this Circle Club?

PAUL: ďThe Management of the Circ Club takes pleasure in requesting the company of Mr. Richard StarkeyĒ, thatís you, ďto their gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer, Baccarat, and

Champagne BuffetĒ.

RINGO: They want me?

JOHN: Itís got round you're a big spender.

NORM: Well youíre not going.


GRANDFATHER: Quite right. Invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women, chicken sandwiches and cornets of caviar. Disgusting!

RINGO: Thatís mine.

NORM: Come on you lot, get your pens out.

BOYS: Why?

NORM: Itís homework time for you load of college puddings. I want this lot answered tonight.

RINGO: I wanna go out.

NORM: Iíll brook no denial.

JOHN: You couldnít get a pen in your foot, you swine.

NORM: Oh chatter on son, chatter on. A touch of the writerís cramp will soon sort you out. Come here, Shake.

SHAKE: Ďlater.

JOHN: See ya.

GEORGE: Where are you going then?

JOHN: Well he told us to stay, didnít he? Come here!

GEORGE: Couldnít we get a taxi?

BOYS: No we couldnít get a taxi.


WAITER: Iíll clear up sir.





DEALER : Alors Mísieur?


GRANDFATHER: I bet youíre a great swimmer. My turn? Bingo!

CROUPIER : Pas ďBingoĒ M'sieur... Banco.

GRANDFATHER: Oh Iíll take the little darlings anyway.

GRANDFATHER: Two and carry one is three, carry one is fourÖ

CROUPIER: Huit... et sept.








WAITER: The manager!

NORM: Now come on you lot, get on with it.

JOHN: But weíre gonna do Ďem.

NORM: Aye well, now, now, now!

RINGO: Hey have any of you lot put a man in the cupboard?

BOYS: Donít be soft!

RINGO: Well somebody did.

GEORGE: Heís right, y'know.

JOHN: There you go.

SHAKE: HeyÖ hey whatís all this?

PAUL: Oh him. Heís been lurking.

JOHN: He looks a right lurker, doesnít he?

SHAKE: Youíre undressed. Where are your clothes?

WAITER: Well the old gentleman. He borrowed them to go gambling at the Circ.

RINGO: Heís gone to my club, has he?

PAUL: Itís all your fault.

RINGO: What?

PAUL: Yeah, getting invites to gambling clubs and all that.  Heís probably in the middle of some orgy by now.

JOHN: Orgy? Orgy!

WAITER: ButÖ but what about me?

JOHN: Youíre too old.


WAITER: Encore de champagne, Monsieur?

GRANDFATHER: Yeah, and Iíll have some more champagne as well.

MANAGER: Lord John McCartney, millionaire Irish pure. Filthy rich of course.

CUSTOMER: Oh I donít know, he looks quite clean to me.

NORM: Come on you lot, try to act with a little bit of dťcor, this is a posh place.

JOHN: We know how to behave, weíve had lessons.

ATTENDANT: Iím sorry sir, members and invited guests only.

NORM: Aye, wellÖ erÖ


SHAKE: Iím with them. Iím Ringoís sister.

NORM: Excuse me, have you got a little old man here?

MANAGER: Do you mean Lord McCartney?

PAUL: Oh heís at it again. Look, Iím his grandfather... I mean...

GRANDFATHER: Put me down! Who are these ruffians? Iíve never seen them before in my whole life!

MANAGER: Before you go gentlemen, thereís the small matter of the bill.

NORM: Iíll take care of that. A hundred and eighty pounds!

MANAGER: I beg your pardon, guineas.

WAITER: Your winnings, my lord, one hundred and ninety pounds!

GRANDFATHER: What about me change?

MANAGER: Cloak room charge.

RINGO: Ah well, easy come, easy go. Well?


JOHN: Guten Morgen mein Herr. Fancy knocking out Tea Harbour? Ah, the filthy Englander, guten Morgen!

SHAKE: Keep Britain tiny. Aw go on George.

GEORGE: Donít be ridiculous.

SHAKE: But you said I could.

GEORGE: Honestly, me mind boggles at the very idea. A grown man and you havenít shaved with a safety razor.

SHAKE: Itís not my fault, I come from a long line of electricians.

GEORGE: Well youíre not practising on me.

SHAKE: All right then. But show us.

GEORGE: Oh come on then.

JOHN: Britannia, Britannia rules theÖ

GEORGE: Ugh it looks disgusting now youíre all pink and naked. One slip of the razor andÖ

JOHN: mm mm mm, mm mm mm, mmÖ Help me, hey felons! Help me, help meÖ

GEORGE: Torpedoed again eh?

NORM: Come on lads, the carís waiting to get you to the studio. Hey whereís John?

SHAKE: In the bath.

NORM: All right Lennon, letís have ya. John, stop larking about. John? John! John! John!

JOHN: Whatíre you messing around with that bath for? Thereís a car waiting, come on.


NORM: Ready John. As soon as we draw up, open the door and straight in.


MAN: We canít be kept waiting much longer. I knew theyídÖ oh here they are, boys here you areÖ

MAN: Where were you, your press conference was in arrangingÖ

NORM: Give us a couple of shakes to get our breath.

GEORGE: Give us a shout when itís over.

JOHN: Hey I have a suit just like him you know. I donít like handkerchief up there though, I usually keep the handkerchief in my trouser pocket. You canít blow your nose on it up there, can you mister?

MAN: No you canít.


GEORGE: Iíve always liked that question.

JOHN: Well I never really noticed his nose until six months ago.

PAUL: And my mother asked me before I left for America if I wanted any sandwiches.

RINGO: And when I plugged her in, she just blew up!


INTERVIEWER: Tell me, how did you find America?

JOHN: Turn left to Greenland.

INTERVIEWER: Has success changed your life?


PAUL: I like to keep Britain tidy.

INTERVIEWER: Are you a Mod or a Rocker?

RINGO: No Iím a Mocker.

INTERVIEWER: Have you any hobbies?

PAUL: No actually, weíre just good friends.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?

RINGO: Well this one has you know, stuck on good and proper now.

INTERVIEWER: Frightfully nice.

PAUL: No actually, weíre just good friends.

INTERVIEWER: What would you call that hairstyle youíre wearing?

GEORGE: Arthur.

PAUL: No actually, weíre just good friends.

RINGO: Theyíre all brown, arenít they?

INTERVIEWER: What do you call that collar?

RINGO: A collar.

INTERVIEWER: Do you often see your father?

PAUL: No actually, weíre just good friends.

INTERVIEWER: How do you like your girlfriends to dress?

RINGO: Ha-ha!


GEORGE: A trap, that one! Iím starving!

JOHN: I didnít even get a jam butty, did you?

PAUL: Anything left?

GRANDFATHER:  Weíve just finished, Paulie. Hey George, give us your John Henry on that picture.

PAUL: Hey look at that!

JOHN: Whatís up?

PAUL: Itís all set down there!

JOHN: Shall we go and have a go?

BOYS: Yeah!

JOHN: Ö it isnít a tree.

PAUL: It is.

JOHN: Look itís a bird! Just passing through lads.


RINGO: Leave them drums alone.

FLOOR MANAGER: Oh surely I could just have a little touch.

RINGO: You so much as breathe heavy on them and Iím out on strike.

FLOOR MANAGER: Arenít you being rather arbitrary?

RINGO: There you go! Hiding me behind a smoke screen of bourgeois clichťs. I donít go round messing about with your ear-phones, do I?

FLOOR MANAGER: Spoilsport!

RINGO: Well!

GEORGE: Heís very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend.

PAUL: Whatís up?

GEORGE: Oh heís sulking again.

JOHN: Iíll show him.




JOHN: Pardon, pardon, excuse me, pardon. Iíd like more drums. There.

PAUL: No I think itís that, it sounds likeÖ on the third bit, you know the third bitÖ

JOHN: In the third bit, more banging!

DIRECTOR: Right. Letís hear no more about it, youíre probably right. Now look, if you think Iím unsuitable letís have it out in the open, I canít stand these back-stage politics.

JOHN: Wouldnít you turn into black and white the situation somewhat?

DIRECTOR: Well, quite honestly I wasnít expecting ďa musical arrangerĒ to question my ability... picture-wise.

JOHN: I could listen to him for hours.

PAUL: Whatís all this about a musical arranger?

DIRECTOR: Mr. McCartney Senior.

GRANDFATHER: Hey Paulie, theyíre trying to fob you off with this musical charlatanÖ but I gave him the test.

DIRECTOR: Iím quite happy to be replaced.

GRANDFATHER: Heís a typical buck-passer.

DIRECTOR: I won an award.

JOHN: A likely story.

DIRECTOR: Itís on the wall in my office.

NORM: Hello our lot, everybody happy? All right, all right. If you donít need them, Iíll lock them up in the dressing room.

DIRECTOR: Please do, Iíll not need them for half an hour. Thank you. Get me a bottle of milk and some tranquilizers. I see it all now itís a plot. A plot.

NORM: Now come on you lot, Iíve got the key. Come on Ringo! Come on!

 GRANDFATHER: Leslie Jackson? I saw you father in the Old Empire in 1909, ah if youíre as good as him son, youíre all right.

JOHN: Gear costume!

ACTOR: Swap?

JOHN: Cheeky.

NORM: Come on lads Iíve got the key. First floor and no messing about. Lennon, leave them girls down or Iíll tell your mother of you. And stay here until that rehearsal, Iíll keep you if I have to put the key in the lock and turn it!

RINGO: Weíre out!




MAN: I suppose you realize this is private property.

GEORGE: Sorry we hurt your field, Mister.


NORM: Not here.

SHAKE: Oh theyíve probably gone to the canteen, cup of tea, like.

NORM: No, thatís too easy for Lennon. Heís out there somewhere, causing trouble, just

to upset me.

SHAKE: Youíre imagining it Norm. Youíre letting it prey on your mind.

NORM: No... this is a battle of nerves between John and me.

SHAKE: John hasnít got any.

NORM: What?

SHAKE: Nerves.

NORM: No, thatís just the trouble. Iíve toyed with the idea of a ball and chain, well heís just rattled them at me and in public too. Sometimes I think he enjoys seeing me suffer.


MILLIE: Hello.

JOHN: Hello.

MILLIE: Oh, wait a minute, donít tell me youíre...

JOHN: No, Iím not.

MILLIE: Oh you are, I know you are.

JOHN: Iím not.

MILLIE: You are.

JOHN: Iím not, no.

MILLIE: You look just like him.

JOHN: Oh do I? Youíre the first one who said that ever.

MILLIE: Yes you do, look.

JOHN: No. My eyes are lighter.

MILLIE: Oh yes.

JOHN: And my nose...

MILLIE: Yes your nose is. Very.

JOHN: Is it?

MILLIE: I would have said so.

JOHN: Aye, but you know him better though.

MILLIE: I do not, heís only a casual acquaintance.

JOHN: Thatís what you say.

MILLIE: What have you heard?

JOHN: Itís all over the place.

MILLIE: Is it?

JOHN: But I wouldnít have it. I stuck up for you.

MILLIE: I knew I could rely on you.

JOHN: Thanks.

MILLIE: You donít look like him at all.

JOHN: She looks more like him than I do.


VOICE OVER: There will be a full rehearsal in ten minutesí time. Ten minutes from now, full rehearsal.


SECRETARY: Oh there you are!

GEORGE: Oh, sorry, I must have made a mistake.

SECRETARY: No you havenít, itís that youíre just late.


SECRETARY: Actually I think heíll be quite pleased with you.

GEORGE: Will he?

SECRETARY: Yes, youíre quite a feather in the cap. Hello, Iíve got one... oh, I think so... yes, he can talk... No well... and I think you ought to see him. Yes, all right.


GEORGE: You donít see many of these nowadays do you?


GEORGE: Sorry.

SECRETARY: Simon, will this do?

SIMON: Well. Not bad, dolly, not really bad. Turn around, chicky baby. Oh yes, heís a definite posse. Heíll look good alongside Susan. All right, Sunny Jim, this is all going to be quite painless. Donít breathe on me, Adrian.

GEORGE: I'm terribly sorry but there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding.

SIMON: Oh, surely you can come off it with us so you don't have to do the old adenoidal glottal stop and carry on for our benefit?

GEORGE: Iím afraid I don't understand.

SIMON: Oh, my God, heís a natural.

SECRETARY: Well, I did tell them not to send us any real ones.

SIMON: They ought to know by now the phonies are much easier to handle. Still heís a good type. Weíd like you to give us your opinion on some clothes for teenagers.

GEORGE: Oh, by all means, Iíd be quite prepared for that eventuality.

SIMON: Well, not your real opinion, naturally. Itíll be written out and youíll learn it. Can you read?

GEORGE: ĎCourse I can.

SIMON: I mean lines, ducky, can you handle lines?

GEORGE: Oh Iíll have a bash.

SIMON: Good. Give him whatever it is they drink, cokearama?


SIMON: Well, at least heís polite. Show him the shirts, Adrian. Now, youíll like these. Youíll really ďdigĒ them. Theyíre ďfabĒ and all the other pimply hyperboles.

GEORGE: I wouldnít be seen dead in them. Theyíre dead grotty.

SIMON: Grotty?

GEORGE: Yeah, grotesque.

SIMON: Make a note of that word and give it to Susan. Itís rather touching really. Hereís this kid, trying to give me his utterly valueless opinion when I know for a fact that within a month, heíll be suffering from a violent inferiority complex and loss of status, because he isnít wearing one of these nasty things. Of course theyíre grotty, you wretched nit, thatís why they were designed, but that's what youíll want.

GEORGE: I wonít.

SIMON: You can be replaced, chicky baby.

GEORGE: I don't care.

SIMON: And that pose is out too, Sunny Jim. The new thing is to care passionately, and be right wing. Anyway, if you donít cooperate you wonít meet Susan.

GEORGE: And whoís this Susan when sheís at home?

SIMON: Only Susan Campey, our resident teenager. Youíll have to love her. Sheís your symbol.

GEORGE: Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong?

SIMON: I beg your pardon?

GEORGE: Oh, yes, the lads frequently sit round the TV. set and watch her for a giggle. Once we even all sat down and wrote these letters saying how gear she was and all that rubbish.

SIMON: Sheís a trend setter. It's her profession!

GEORGE: Sheís a drag. A well-known drag. We turn the sound down on her and say rude things.

SIMON: Get him out of here!

GEORGE: Have I said something amiss?

SIMON: Get him out. He's knocking the programmeís image!

GEORGE: Sorry about the shirts.

SIMON: Get him out. You donít think heís a new phenomenon, do you?

SECRETARY: You mean an early clue to the new direction?

SIMON: Whereís the calendar? No, heís just the troublemaker. The change isnít due for three weeks yet. All the same, make a note not to extend Susanís contract. Letís not take any unnecessary chances!


GIRL: So I explained to my mother he was a very clean man.


NORM: Thereís no one here.

SHAKE: No one here? But where are they gone?


DIRECTOR: Thatís wrong isnít it? Surely, thatís wrong! No not you! Get him out!


NORM: Someoneís coming. Quick, hide! Stop being taller than me!

SHAKE: Itís not my faultÖ

JOHN: What are you doing there?

SHAKE: Hiding.

JOHN: You must soft or something.

NORM: Well we werenít hiding, we were resting. I thought I had told you lot to stay here?

RINGO: Well?

NORM: When I tell you to stay put, I mean stay put.

JOHN: Donít cane me, sir, I was led astray.

NORM: Oh shut up John. They're waiting for you in the studio.

RINGO: Gear, Iím dying to do a bit of work.

NORM: Oh God bless you Ringo.

PAUL: Oh thatís the teacher's pet.

GEORGE: Crawler.

JOHN: Betrayed the class eh?

RINGO: Oh lay off!

JOHN: Temper! Temper!

RINGO: Well!

NORM: Will you all get a move on! Theyíre waiting for you!

JOHN: I now declare this bridge open.


DIRECTOR: Where are they? Where are they? Where are they?

FLOOR MANAGER: Theyíre coming.


FLOOR MANAGER: Theyíre coming, I promise you.

DIRECTOR: Oh yes. Well now look, if theyíre not here on this floor in thirty seconds thereíll be troubleÖ understand me... trouble!

JOHN: Standing about, eh? Some people have it dead easy!

DIRECTOR: Once youíre over thirty, youíve passed it. Itís a young manís medium. I just canít stand the pace.

RINGO: Oh heís young as that then, he was?

JOHN: Ah there he goes, look at him, bet his wife doesnít know about her. I bet he hasnít even got a wife, look at his sweater.

PAUL: You never know she might have knitted it.

JOHN: Sheís knitted him.

DIRECTOR: Stand by, run through the number and try not to jiggle out of position.  Hello? Three, coming due. Three, three, coming due. Three!

VOICE OVER: Weíre on three.


VOICE OVER: Weíre on three.

DIRECTOR: Oh yes. Music.




DIRECTOR: Thank you. Very nice. Make-up?

MAKE-UP WOMAN: Not really, they donít need it any. Weíll just powder them off for the shine.

DIRECTOR: Oh yes. Norm, will you take them around to make-up and powder them offÖ the shine?

NORM: Sure.


SHAKE: You blinked!

NORM: Come on, come here.

SHAKE: Hello lads. Hey Grandfatherís not talking to me. I thing heís got a sulk on.

GEORGE: Well, it must be catchy around. Heís given it to Ringo here.

NORM: Stop picking on him.

RINGO: I donít need you to defend me, yíknow, Norm.

JOHN: Youíve got a touch of the swine fever, havenít you?

NORM: Come on you lot, sit down.

HEAD MAKE UP GIRL: Oh, this is impossible! Weíll never get you all done in time.

ACTOR: Well, youíll have to do us first... It doesnít matter to them whether theyíre made up or not. By the way, whatís that?

JOHN: My nameís Betty... Do you want a punch up your frogged tunic?


NORM: John, behave yourself or Iíll murder you. Shake, take that wig off, it suits you.

NORM: Ringo what are you up to?

RINGO: Page five.

JOHN: Youíve always fancied yourself as a girl, man.

PAUL: Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt. Vap!

GEORGE: You wonít interfere with the basic rugged concept of my personality, will you, madam?

JOHN: Hey heís reading the ďQueenĒ. Thatís an in-joke you know.

PAUL: Za-daaam!

GRANDFATHER: Itís my considered opinion that youíre a bunch of sissies.

JOHN: Youíre just jealous!

NORM: Leave him alone, Lennon, or Iíll tell them all the truth about you.

JOHN: You wouldnít!

NORM: Oh I would though.

GRANDFATHER: Lookit, I thought I was supposed to be getting a change of scenery and so far Iíve been in a train and a room, a car and a room and a room and a room. Well, thatís maybe all right for a bunch of powdered gee-gaws like you lot but Iím feeling decidedly strait-jacketed.

GIRL: What a clean old man.

GRANDFATHER: Ah donít press your luck.

JOHN: Heís sex-obsessed, the older generation are leading this country to galloping ruin.

SHAKE: Whatís a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?

NORM: Theyíre nearly ready for you lads, theyíre just finishing the band callÖ

JOHN: I say, did you go to Harrods? I was there in í58 you know. I can get you on the stageÖ

GIRL: Oh how?

JOHN: You turn right hereÖ


JOHN: Hey kids Iíve got an idea, why donít we do the show right here, yeah! Ö two, three, four!




JOHN: Very good that George.

PAUL: Worth trying.

JOHN: Yeah, you tried. Letís go, go on.

NORM: That was great lads, youíve got about an hour but don't leave the theatre. Whereíre you going John?

JOHN: Sheís going to show me her stamp collection.

NORM: John, Iím talking to you. This final run through is important. Understand? Important.

JOHN: Oink! Oink!

GRANDFATHER: I want a cup of tea.

NORM: Shake.

SHAKE: I'm adjusting the decibels on the imbalance Norm.

NORM: Clever. George. Ringo, look after him will you?

RINGO: Oh lay Norm!

NORM: Do I have to raise me voice?

RINGO: Oh, all right. Come here, Granddad. Iím a drummer not a wet nurse.


GRANDFATHER: Will you ever look at him, sitting there with his hooter scraping away at that bewk!

RINGO: Well... whatís the matter with that?

GRANDFATHER: Have you no natural resources of your own? Have they even robbed you that?

RINGO: You can learn from books.

GRANDFATHER: You can now, can you? Aah ... sheepís heads! You learn more by getting out there and living.

RINGO: Out where?

GRANDFATHER: Any old where... but not our little Richard... oh no! When you're not thumping them pagan skins, youíre tormenting your eyes with that rubbish!

RINGO: Books are good!

GRANDFATHER Paradingís better!

RINGO: Parading?

GRANDFATHER: Parading the streets... trailing your coat... bowling along... living!

RINGO: Well, I am living.

GRANDFATHER: You? Living? When was the last time you gave a girl a pink-edged daisy? When did you last embarrass a sheila with your cool appraising stare?

RINGO: Eh... youíre a bit old for that sort of chat, arenít you?

GRANDFATHER: At least Iíve got a backlog of memories, all youíve got is that bewk!

RINGO: Aah... stop picking on me... youíre as bad as the rest of them.

GRANDFATHER: So you are a man after all.

RINGO: Whatís that mean?

GRANDFATHER: Do you think I havenít noticed... do you think I wasnít aware of the drift? Oh... you poor unfortunate scruff, theyíve driven you into bewks with their cruel, unnatural treatment, exploiting your good nature.

RINGO: I dunno.

GRANDFATHER: And that lotís never happier than when theyíre jeering at you ... and where would they be without the steady support of your drum beat, thatís what Iíd like to know.

RINGO: Yeah... thatís right.

GRANDFATHER: And whatís it all come to in the end?

RINGO: Yeah... whatís in it for me?


RINGO: Yeah... a bloominí bewk!

GRANDFATHER: When you could be out there, betraying a rich American widow or sipping palm wine in Tahiti before you're too old like me.

RINGO: Yeah... funny really, Ďcos Iíd never thought of it but being middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesnít it?

GRANDFATHER: You're only right. Whereíre you going?

RINGO: Iím going parading before itís too late!


GEORGE: Eh, Ringo, you know what just happened to me?

RINGO: No I donít. You want to stop looking so scornful, itís twisting your face.

JOHN: Here he is, the middle-aged boy wonder.

PAUL: Eh. I thought you were looking after me old man. But weíve only got about half an hour till the final run-through. He canít walk out on us now.

JOHN: Canít he? Heís done it, son!

GEORGE: Hey you know what happenedÖ

PAUL: We know.

GEORGE: Your grandfatherís stirred him up.

PAUL: He hasnít.

GEORGE: Yes, heís filled his head with notions seemingly.

PAUL: The old mixer! Come on! We have to put him right. Split up and look for him.

JOHN: Weíve become a limited company.

GEORGE: Iíll look in here again.


RINGO: Hello there.

GIRL: Get out of it, shorty!


POLICEMAN: Hey! Ainít you got no more bleeding sense than to go round chucking bricks about?

RINGO: Southerner!

BOY: Here, mate, thatís my hoop, stop playing with it.

RINGO: Hoop, this isnít a hoop, itís a lethal weapon. Have you got a licence for it?

BOY: Oh donít be so stroppy!

RINGO: Well! A boy of your age bowling ďhoopĒ at people. How old are you anyway?

BOY: Eleven.

RINGO: I bet youíre only ten and a half.

BOY: Ten and two thirds.

RINGO: There you are, and donít you go bowling hoop at people.

BOY: Oh you can have it, Iím packing it in. It depresses me.

RINGO: Yíwhat?

BOY: You heard, it gets on me wick.

RINGO: Well thatís lovely talk, that is. Why arenít you at school?

BOY: Iím a deserter.

RINGO: Are you now?

BOY: Yeah, Iíve blown the school out.

RINGO: Just you?

BOY: No, Ginger, Eddy Fallon and Ding Dong.

RINGO: Ding Dong? Oh Ding Dong Bell, eh?

BOY: Yeah, thatís right. Others was supposed to come with us but they chickened.

RINGO: Yeah? And theyíre your mates are they?

BOY: Yeah.

RINGO: Not much cop without Ďem, is it?

BOY: Oh, itís all right.

RINGO: Yeah?

BOY: Yeah.

RINGO: What are they like?

BOY: Gingerís mad, he says things all the time and Eddyís good at spitting and punching.

RINGO: How about Ding Dong?

BOY: He's a big head, he fancies himself. You know itís all right though, Ďcos heís one of the gang.

BOY: Why arenít you at work?

RINGO: Iím a deserter, too.

BOY: Oh.

BOY 2: Hey Charley!

BOY: See ya!

RINGO: Come in number seven your timeís up!


GRANDFATHER: Iím sorry boys, I didnít mean it, honest.

DIRECTOR: If he says that again, Iíll strike him.

SHAKE: Oh donít worry, theyíre good lads, theyíll be back.

DIRECTOR: Yes? Well weíve got only twenty minutes to the final run-through.

GRANDFATHER: I meant no harm. I was only trying to encourage little Ringo to enjoy himself.

NORM: God knows what youíve unleashed on the unsuspecting South. Itíll be wine, women and song all the way with Ringo once heís got the taste for it.


BARMAID: That was fresh this morning. Two and nine. Right... on your way!

RINGO: Yíwhat?

BARMAID: You heard, on your way, troublemaker!


NORM: Shake, worry, will you!

DIRECTOR: Well, thatís it, two minutes to the final run-through... theyíre bound to miss it now...

NORM: Iíll murder that Lennon.

DIRECTOR: Still we could still survive a missed run-through as long...

SHAKE: ... as long as they head up for the show. Oh youíre right there, well I mean it would be a pity to miss the show, wouldnít it, like?

NORM: Shut up, cheerful.

DIRECTOR: You donít think...

NORM: Theyíll be here.

DIRECTOR: Itís all your fault. Oh yes it is and if they don't turn up I wouldnít be in your shoes for all the...

SHAKE: ... not for all the tea in China. Oh youíre right there, nor would I.

NORM: You dirty traitor!

SHAKE: Well of course.

DIRECTOR: Yes  of course.

BOYS: Ö and Iíve been working like a dogÖ

JOHN: Hi Norm!

NORM: Hi JohnÖ John!

GEORGE: Did you want something?

NORM: Oh I could eat the lot of you.

JOHN: Youíd look great with an apple in your gob.

DIRECTOR: Do you realise you could have missed the final run-through?

GEORGE: Sorry about that.

SHAKE: Eh Norm, thereís only three of them.

PAUL: Aye, we were looking for Ringo. But we realised he must have come back here.

DIRECTOR: Do you realise we are on the air, live, in front of an audience, in forty-five minutes and youíre one short!

JOHN: Control yourself or youíll spurt. He must be here somewhere.

NORM: Aye, weíll look in the dressing room.

PAUL: Eh, whereís my grandfather?

NORM: Donít worry about him Paul. He can look after himself.

PAUL: I suppose so.


GRANDFATHER: Here they are, personally signed and handwritten by your own sweet boys. The chance of a lifetime. Be the envy of your less fortunate sisters!

POLICEMEN: Move over, move overÖ will you just move alongÖ


GIRL: Thank you.

POLICEMAN: I got you! You nasty little person you!



RINGO: Look, I'm Ringo Starr... Iíve got a show to do in a few minutes, youíve got to let me go... Iím Ringo...

POLICEMAN: Sure, they all say that these days... Anyway... I donít care who you are... you can save that for the stipendiary. Here you are, Serge.

SERGEANT: All right, what is he?

POLICEMAN: Iíve got a little list here. Wandering abroad. Malicious intent. Acting in a suspicious manner. Conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace. You name it, heís done it.

SERGEANT: Oh, a little savage, is he?

POLICEMAN: A proper little Aborigine.

RINGO: I demand to see my solicitor.

SERGEANT: Whatís his name?

RINGO: Oh, well if youíre going to get technical about itÖ

SERGEANT: Hello, itís going to be one of those nights, is it? Sit Charley Peace down over there, will you?

GRANDFATHER: Well, you got me here so do your worst but Iíll take one of you with me. Oh, I know your game, get me in the tiled room and out come the rubber hoses!

SERGEANT: Is there a fire, then?

GRANDFATHER: You ugly great brute, you have sadism stamped all over your bloat of British kisser.


GRANDFATHER: Iíll go on a hunger strike. I know your caper. The kidney punch and the rabbit-clout. The third degree and the size twelve boot ankle-tap.

SERGEANT: Whatís he on about?

GRANDFATHER: I'm soldier of the Republic, youíll need the mahogany truncheon for this boy-o. A nation once again, a nation once again!

SERGEANT: Get Lloyd George over there nest to that mechanic in the cloth cap and let me sort this lot out.

GRANDFATHER: Ringo, me old scout, they grabbed yer leg for the iron too, did they?

RINGO: Well Iím not exactly a voluntary patient.

GRANDFATHER: Shush! Have they roughed you up yet?

RINGO: What?

GRANDFATHER: Oh theyíre a desperate crew of drippings and theyíve fists like matured hams for pounding defenceless lads like you. One of us has got to escape. Iíll get the boys. Hold on son, Iíll be back here.

RINGO: For me!

GRANDFATHER: And if they get you on the floor watch out for your brisket.

RINGO: They seem all right to me.

GRANDFATHER: Sure, thatís what they want you to think. All coppers are villains.

SERGEANT: Would you two like a cup of tea?

GRANDFATHER: You see, sly villains.

RINGO: No thanks, Mr. Sergeant, sir. No not for me. Please donít.

SERGEANT: So you just brought the old chap out of the crowd for his own good eh?

POLICEMAN: Well he was getting a bit nasty you see, so we had to bring him.

SERGEANT: Well, he canít stop here. This is the stuff heís been handing out eh?

POLICEMAN: Thatís right sir. Photographs.

SERGEANT: PhotographsÖ

GRANDFATHER: Well son, itís now or never. All right, you paid assassins. Johnny McCartneyíll give you a run for your three pence haí penny.

POLICEMAN: Hey sir you forgot you photographs!


DIRECTOR: Only half an hour and youíre on!

GEORGE: Can I say something?


GEORGE: It seems highly unlikely weíll be on... I mean the law of averages are against you. Maybe if you could get a juggler in with a few more clubs that would fill in a bit of time.


GUARD: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Go home!

GRANDFATHER: I must see Paulie.

GUARD: Go home then and see him on the telly.

GRANDFATHER: Can you fix him for me?

KIDS: Yeah.

KID 1: Sixpence.

KID 2: Each.

KID 3: In advance.

GRANDFATHER: Mercenaries!


DIRECTOR: Itís all right, leave him alone.

GRANDFATHER: Paul, where are you?

PAUL: Granddad, whereís Ringo?

GRANDFATHER: The police have the poor unfortunate lad in the Bridewell.

NORM: The police station.

GRANDFATHER: Heíll be pulp by now.

NORM: Go get him out!

JOHN: Donít worry Norm weíll get him outÖ

DIRECTOR: But weíve only gotÖ twenty minutesÖ




JOHN: Let us catch our breathÖ

SERGEANT: All right now?




NORM: Lads, lads! Youíre back, thank goodness! Whereís Ringo?

PAUL: There he is, we got him.

NORM: Great, great.

DIRECTOR: You donít know what this means to me. If you hadnít come back it would have been the epilogue or the news in WelshÖ for life.

NORM: Hey! Arenít you supposed to be in that box?

PAUL: Whereís the old mixer?

GRANDFATHER: Here, Paulie.

PAUL: Got a few words to say to you, two-faced John McCartney.

JOHN: Aw, leave him alone, heís back, isn't he? Itís not his fault heís old.

PAUL: Whatís old got to do with it? Heís a troublemaker and a mixer, thatís good enough for me.

JOHN: Thatís right, but heís only asking us to pay him attention, arenít you? You see. You know your trouble, you should have gone West to America. Youíd have been a Senior Citizen of Boston. But you took a wrong turning and what happened, youíre a lonely old man from Liverpool.

GRANDFATHER: But Iím clean.

JOHN: Are you?

SHAKE: Hey Norm.

NORM: What?

SHAKE: Iíve been thinking. Itís not my fault.

NORM: What isnít?

SHAKE: Iím not taller than you are, youíre smaller than I am

NORM: Anyone at home?

GEORGE: Hey Shake whereís me boot? Will you get us some tea while youíre there?

SHAKE: Hang on George.








NORM: Iíve got the stuff. Come here lads.

PAUL: Arenít we...

NORM: No, weíre not! The office was on the phone, they think itíd be better if we pushed to Wolverhampton straightaway.

JOHN: Tonight? We canít make it...

NORM: Youíve got a midnight matinee.

JOHN: Now, look here, Norm ...

NORM: No, you look here. Iíve only one thing to say to you, John Lennon.

JOHN: What?

NORM: Youíre a swine!