A HARD DAY’S NIGHT
- movie transcript -
I’LL CRY INSTEAD
A HARD DAY’S NIGHT
JOHN: Hey
pardon me for asking, but who’s that little old man?
PAUL: Eh,
what little old man?
JOHN:
That little old man.
PAUL: Oh
that one. That's me Grandfather.
GEORGE:
Your Grandfather?
PAUL:
Yeah.
GEORGE:
That’s not your Grandfather.
PAUL: It
is you know.
GEORGE:
But I’ve seen your Grandfather, he lives in your house.
PAUL: Oh
that’s me other Grandfather, but he’s me Grandfather as well.
JOHN: How
d’you reckon that one out?
PAUL:
Well everyone’s entitled to two, aren’t they, and that’s me other one.
JOHN:
Well we know all that, but what’s he doing here?
PAUL:
Well me mother thought a trip would do him good.
RINGO:
How’s that?
PAUL:
He’s nursing a broken heart.
JOHN: Aw
poor old thing. Hey mister, are you nursing a broken heart? He’s a nice little
man, ain't he?
PAUL: He…
he’s very… clean.
JOHN:
Hello, Grandfather!
GRANDFATHER:
Hello.
JOHN: He
can talk then, can he?
PAUL:
‘Course he can talk, he’s a human being, isn’t he?
RINGO:
Well if he’s your Grandfather, who knows ha-ha-ha-ha!
JOHN: And
we’re looking after him, are we?
GRANDFATHER:
I look after meself.
PAUL:
Yeah, that’s what I'm afraid of.
JOHN:
He’s got you worried then?
PAUL: Yep!
He’s a villain, a real mixer. And he’ll cost you a fortune in breach of
promise cases.
GEORGE:
Gerron.
PAUL: No,
straight on.
SHAKE:
Hiya.
PAUL:
Hello Shake.
GEORGE:
Hello Shake.
SHAKE:
You got on all right then?
JOHN: No.
SHAKE:
Oh. Well we got here. Norm will be on in a minute with the tickets. Hey… who's
the little old man?
GEORGE:
It's Paul's grandfather.
SHAKE: Oh
aye, I better thought…
JOHN: No,
that’s his other one.
SHAKE: Oh
that’s all right then.
JOHN:
Clean though, isn’t he?
SHAKE: Oh
aye … he’s very clean.
NORM:
Morning lads.
BOYS: Hi
/ morning Norm.
NORM:
Well thank God we’ve all got here. Now look, I’ve had a marvellous idea:
just for once, let’s all try to behave like ordinary respectable citizens.
Let’s not cause any trouble, pull any strokes or do anything I’m going to be
sorry for, especially tomorrow in that television theatre, beca…
NORM: Are
you listening to me, Lennon?
JOHN:
You’re a swine. Ain’t he George?
GEORGE:
Yeah, the swine.
NORM:
Thanks. Hey…
BOYS: ...
who’s that little old man?
NORM: …
man? Well who is he?
RINGO: He
belongs to Paul.
NORM: Ah
well. I’m going down for a cup of
coffee, anyone coming?
PAUL:
We’ll follow you down.
GRANDFATHER:
I want me coffee.
NORM:
Well you can come with Shake and me if you like.
PAUL:
Look after him, but I don’t want to find you’ve lost him.
NORM:
Don't be cheeky. I’ll bind him to me with promises. Very clean, isn’t he?
Come here, Granddad.
JOHNSON:
Make up your mind, will you!
PAUL:
Well, morning.
RINGO:
All right? Uuuh.
PAUL: Do
you mind if we have it open?
JOHNSON:
Yes I do.
JOHN:
Yeah, but there’s four of us and we’d like it open. Not if it’s all the
same to you, that is.
JOHNSON:
It isn’t. I travel on this train regularly, twice a week. So I suppose I’ve
some rights.
RINGO: So
have we.
JOHNSON:
And we’ll have that thing off as well, thank you.
RINGO:
But…
JOHNSON:
An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you that I’m perfectly
within my rights.
PAUL:
Yeah, but we want to hear it. There’s
more of us than you. We’re a
community, a majority vote, up the workers and all that stuff!
JOHNSON:
Then I suggest you take that damned thing into the corridor. Or to some other
part of the train, where you obviously belong.
JOHN:
Give us a kiss!
PAUL:
Look mister, we’ve paid for our seats too, you know.
JOHNSON:
I travel on this train regularly, twice a week.
JOHN:
Knock it off Paul, you can’t win with his sort. After all it’s his train,
isn’t it mister?
JOHNSON:
And don’t take that tone with me, young man! I fought the war, for your sort!
RINGO: I
bet you're sorry you won!
JOHNSON:
I shall call the guard!
PAUL: Ah,
but what? They don’t take that kindly to insults you know. Come
on, let’s go and have some coffee, and leave the Colonel to Lassie.
PAUL: Hey
mister, can we have our ball back?
BOYS:
Mister can we have our ball back?
NORM: You
wanna watch it.
SHAKE:
Well it’s not my fault.
NORM: You
stick to that story, son.
SHAKE: I
can’t help it. I’m just taller than you are.
GRANDFATHER:
They always say that.
NORM:
Well I got me eye on ya.
SHAKE:
I’m sorry Norm, I can’t help being taller than you.
NORM:
Well don’t look contempt. I’ve a good mind to thump you, Shake.
JOHN: Hey
if you’re going to have a barney, can I hold your coat?
NORM: He
started it.
SHAKE: I
did not, you did.
GEORGE:
Well what happened?
SHAKE:
The old fella said, that could he have these pictures and Norm said no, and all
I said was well, why not be big about it?'
PAUL:
And?
NORM:
Your Grandfather pointed out that Shake was always being taller than me just to
spite me.
PAUL: I
knew it, he started it. I should have known.
NORM:
Y’what?
PAUL: You
two have never had an argument in your life, and in two minutes flat he’s got
you at it. He’s a king mixer. He
hates group unity so he gets everyone at it.
GEORGE:
Well I suggest you just give him the photos and have done with it.
NORM: Oh
all right you old devil, her’ya.
GRANDFATHER:
Hey Paulie, would you ever sign one of them for us?
NORM: Oh
come on Shake.
GEORGE:
Hey look at the talent.
JOHN:
Let’s give ‘em a pull.
PAUL:
Should I?
GEORGE:
Aye, but don’t rush. None of your five bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.
PAUL:
What’s that supposed to mean?
GEORGE: I
don’t know, I thought it just sounded distinguished-like.
JOHN:
George Harrison, The Scouse of Distinction.
PAUL:
Excuse me. Excuse me, but these young men I’m sitting with wondered if two of
us could come over and join you. I’d ask you meself only I’m shy.
GRANDFATHER:
I’m sorry miss, but you mustn’t fraternise with me prisoners.
GIRL:
Prisoners?!
GRANDFATHER:
Convicts in transit. Typical old lags, the lot of ‘em.
THE BOYS:
Y’what?
GRANDFATHER:
Get out ladies, get out while you can!
NORM:
He's been gone a long time.
SHAKE:
Who?
NORM:
Paul’s grandfather.
SHAKE: Oh
I didn’t notice, where’d he go?
NORM:
Down the... er...
SHAKE: Oh
down the... er...?
NORM:
Yeah down the... er...
SHAKE: Oh
we’ll give him a couple of minutes then.
NORM:
Hey! Have you seen Paul’s grandfather?
JOHN: Of
course, he’s concealed about his person.
NORM:
Naw… he must have slipped off somewhere.
PAUL:
Have you lost him?
NORM: Now
don’t exaggerate.
PAUL:
You’ve lost him!
SHAKE:
Look… put it this way Paulie… he’s mislaid him.
PAUL:
Honest, you can't trust you with anything Norm. If you’ve lost him, I’ll
cripple ya.
SHAKE: He
can’t have got far.
NORM:
Come here, let’s look up the sharp end.
GEORGE:
What’s the matter with you there?
RINGO:
It’s his Grandfather. I can tell he doesn’t like me, it’s cause I’m
little.
GEORGE:
You’ve got an inferiority complex, you have.
RINGO:
Yeah I know, that’s why I play the drums. It’s me active compensatory
factor.
GEORGE:
Going in then?
RINGO:
No, she’ll only reject me in the end and I’ll be frustrated.
GEORGE:
You never know, you might be lucky this time.
RINGO:
No, I know the psychological pattern and it plays havoc with me drum skins.
PAUL:
Excuse me, have you seen that little old man we were with?
JOHN:
We’ve broken out, oh the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file?
These handcuffs are killing me. I was framed. I’m innocent. I don’t want to
go!
PAUL:
Sorry for disturbing you girls…
JOHN: I
bet you can’t guess what I was in for…
PAUL:
Shall we go in here?
JOHN:
Naw. It’s probably a honeymoon couple or a company director or something.
PAUL:
Well I don’t care. I’m gonna broaden my outlook.
GRANDFATHER:
Congratulate me boys! I’m engaged.
PAUL: Oh
no, you're not. Not this time.
GRANDFATHER:
And to think me own grandson would let them put me behind bars!
PAUL:
Don't dramatise. Let’s face it, you’re lucky to be here. Let them have their
own way you would have been dropped off already.
PAUL:
Well you’ve got to admit you’ve upset a lot of people. At least I can keep
my eye on ya while you're stuck in here. Shove up!
GRANDFATHER:
Odds or evens?
PAUL:
Odds.
JOHN:
Don't worry son, we'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy.
PAUL: Oh
it's a laugh a line with Lennon. Anyroad up, it's all your fault.
RINGO:
Why me?
GEORGE:
Why not you?
JOHN:
Ghast, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny... they usually reckon dogs more
than people in England. You'd expect something more palatial. Let's do something
then.
PAUL:
Like what?
JOHN:
Mmm.
PAUL: Ok.
Cor, it’s the girls.
RINGO:
I’ll deal them.
JOHN: Aye
aye, the Liverpool shuffle.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
BETTER
GEORGE:
He’s wearing his lucky rings.
RINGO:
All mine!
JOHN:
They won’t buy you happiness my son.
NORM:
Hey! Don’t move any of you. They’ve gone potty out there. The whole place is
surging with girls.
JOHN:
Please sir, can I have one to surgery, sir, please sir?
NORM: No
you can’t. Now listen. As soon as I tell you, get out through this door here,
into that big car that’s waiting. Come here lads, come here.
RINGO: I
don’t snore.
GEORGE:
You do… repeatedly.
RINGO: Do
I snore John?
JOHN:
Yeah you’re a window rattler, son.
RINGO:
That's just your opinion. Do I snore Paul?
PAUL:
Well with a trombone hooter like yours it’d be unnatural if you didn’t.
GRANDFATHER:
No Paulie. Don't mock the afflicted.
PAUL: Oh
come off it. It’s only a joke.
GRANDFATHER:
Ah, it may be a joke, but it’s his nose. He can’t help having a hideous
great hose, and a poor little head, trembling under the weight of it.
NORM:
John, Paul, George. Come here, get at it.
JOHN:
Hello the income tax have caught up with us at last?
RINGO:
None for me, then?
NORM:
Sorry.
JOHN:
This’ll keep you busy.
GRANDFATHER:
It's your nose, y’know. Fans are funny that way. Take a dislike to things.
They’ll pick on a nose...
RINGO:
You pick on your own.
SHAKE:
Hey, here.
JOHN:
Those yours?
SHAKE: No
they’re for Ringo.
JOHN:
Must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.
GEORGE:
He comes from a large family.
RINGO:
Well? What’s this Circle Club?
PAUL:
“The Management of the Circ Club takes pleasure in requesting the company of
Mr. Richard Starkey”, that’s you, “to their gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer,
Baccarat, and
Champagne
Buffet”.
RINGO:
They want me?
JOHN:
It’s got round you're a big spender.
NORM:
Well you’re not going.
RINGO:
Aw.
GRANDFATHER:
Quite right. Invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women, chicken
sandwiches and cornets of caviar. Disgusting!
RINGO:
That’s mine.
NORM:
Come on you lot, get your pens out.
BOYS:
Why?
NORM:
It’s homework time for you load of college puddings. I want this lot answered
tonight.
RINGO: I
wanna go out.
NORM:
I’ll brook no denial.
JOHN: You
couldn’t get a pen in your foot, you swine.
NORM: Oh
chatter on son, chatter on. A touch of the writer’s cramp will soon sort you
out. Come here, Shake.
SHAKE:
‘later.
JOHN: See
ya.
GEORGE:
Where are you going then?
JOHN:
Well he told us to stay, didn’t he? Come here!
GEORGE:
Couldn’t we get a taxi?
BOYS: No
we couldn’t get a taxi.
GRANDFATHER:
Come in.
WAITER:
I’ll clear up sir.
GRANDFATHER:
Yeah.
I WANNA BE YOUR MAN
DEALER :
Alors M’sieur?
GRANDFATHER:
Soufflé.
GRANDFATHER:
I bet you’re a great swimmer. My turn? Bingo!
CROUPIER :
Pas “Bingo” M'sieur... Banco.
GRANDFATHER:
Oh I’ll take the little darlings anyway.
GRANDFATHER:
Two and carry one is three, carry one is four…
CROUPIER:
Huit... et sept.
DON’T BOTHER ME
GRANDFATHER:
Bingo!
ALL MY LOVING
WAITER:
The manager!
NORM: Now
come on you lot, get on with it.
JOHN: But
we’re gonna do ‘em.
NORM: Aye
well, now, now, now!
RINGO:
Hey have any of you lot put a man in the cupboard?
BOYS:
Don’t be soft!
RINGO:
Well somebody did.
GEORGE:
He’s right, y'know.
JOHN:
There you go.
SHAKE:
Hey… hey what’s all this?
PAUL: Oh
him. He’s been lurking.
JOHN: He
looks a right lurker, doesn’t he?
SHAKE:
You’re undressed. Where are your clothes?
WAITER:
Well the old gentleman. He borrowed them to go gambling at the Circ.
RINGO:
He’s gone to my club, has he?
PAUL:
It’s all your fault.
RINGO:
What?
PAUL:
Yeah, getting invites to gambling clubs and all that. He’s probably in the middle of some orgy by now.
JOHN:
Orgy? Orgy!
WAITER:
But… but what about me?
JOHN:
You’re too old.
WAITER:
Encore de champagne, Monsieur?
GRANDFATHER:
Yeah, and I’ll have some more champagne as well.
MANAGER:
Lord John McCartney, millionaire Irish pure. Filthy rich of course.
CUSTOMER:
Oh I don’t know, he looks quite clean to me.
NORM:
Come on you lot, try to act with a little bit of décor, this is a posh place.
JOHN: We
know how to behave, we’ve had lessons.
ATTENDANT:
I’m sorry sir, members and invited guests only.
NORM:
Aye, well… er…
ATTENDANT:
Oh yes.
SHAKE:
I’m with them. I’m Ringo’s sister.
NORM:
Excuse me, have you got a little old man here?
MANAGER:
Do you mean Lord McCartney?
PAUL: Oh
he’s at it again. Look, I’m his grandfather... I mean...
GRANDFATHER:
Put me down! Who are these ruffians? I’ve never seen them before in my whole
life!
MANAGER:
Before you go gentlemen, there’s the small matter of the bill.
NORM:
I’ll take care of that. A hundred and eighty pounds!
MANAGER:
I beg your pardon, guineas.
WAITER:
Your winnings, my lord, one hundred and ninety pounds!
GRANDFATHER:
What about me change?
MANAGER:
Cloak room charge.
RINGO: Ah
well, easy come, easy go. Well?
JOHN: Guten
Morgen mein Herr. Fancy
knocking out Tea Harbour? Ah, the
filthy Englander, guten Morgen!
SHAKE:
Keep Britain tiny. Aw go on George.
GEORGE:
Don’t be ridiculous.
SHAKE:
But you said I could.
GEORGE:
Honestly, me mind boggles at the very idea. A grown man and you haven’t shaved
with a safety razor.
SHAKE:
It’s not my fault, I come from a long line of electricians.
GEORGE:
Well you’re not practising on me.
SHAKE:
All right then. But show us.
GEORGE:
Oh come on then.
JOHN:
Britannia, Britannia rules the…
GEORGE:
Ugh it looks disgusting now you’re all pink and naked. One slip of the razor
and…
JOHN: mm
mm mm, mm mm mm, mm… Help me, hey felons! Help me, help me…
GEORGE:
Torpedoed again eh?
NORM:
Come on lads, the car’s waiting to get you to the studio. Hey where’s John?
SHAKE: In
the bath.
NORM: All
right Lennon, let’s have ya. John, stop larking about. John? John! John! John!
JOHN:
What’re you messing around with that bath for? There’s a car waiting, come
on.
NORM:
Ready John. As soon as we draw up, open the door and straight in.
MAN: We
can’t be kept waiting much longer. I knew they’d… oh here they are, boys
here you are…
MAN:
Where were you, your press conference was in arranging…
NORM:
Give us a couple of shakes to get our breath.
GEORGE:
Give us a shout when it’s over.
JOHN: Hey
I have a suit just like him you know. I don’t like handkerchief up there
though, I usually keep the handkerchief in my trouser pocket. You can’t blow
your nose on it up there, can you mister?
MAN: No
you can’t.
GEORGE:
I’ve always liked that question.
JOHN:
Well I never really noticed his nose until six months ago.
PAUL: And
my mother asked me before I left for America if I wanted any sandwiches.
RINGO:
And when I plugged her in, she just blew up!
INTERVIEWER:
Tell me, how did you find America?
JOHN:
Turn left to Greenland.
INTERVIEWER:
Has success changed your life?
GEORGE:
Yes.
PAUL: I
like to keep Britain tidy.
INTERVIEWER:
Are you a Mod or a Rocker?
RINGO: No I’m a Mocker.
INTERVIEWER:
Have you any hobbies?
PAUL: No
actually, we’re just good friends.
INTERVIEWER:
Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?
RINGO:
Well this one has you know, stuck on good and proper now.
INTERVIEWER:
Frightfully nice.
PAUL: No
actually, we’re just good friends.
INTERVIEWER:
What would you call that hairstyle you’re wearing?
GEORGE:
Arthur.
PAUL: No
actually, we’re just good friends.
RINGO:
They’re all brown, aren’t they?
INTERVIEWER:
What do you call that collar?
RINGO: A
collar.
INTERVIEWER:
Do you often see your father?
PAUL: No
actually, we’re just good friends.
INTERVIEWER:
How do you like your girlfriends to dress?
RINGO:
Ha-ha!
GEORGE: A
trap, that one! I’m starving!
JOHN: I
didn’t even get a jam butty, did you?
PAUL:
Anything left?
GRANDFATHER:
We’ve just finished, Paulie. Hey George, give us your John Henry on
that picture.
PAUL: Hey
look at that!
JOHN:
What’s up?
PAUL:
It’s all set down there!
JOHN:
Shall we go and have a go?
BOYS:
Yeah!
JOHN: …
it isn’t a tree.
PAUL: It
is.
JOHN:
Look it’s a bird! Just passing through lads.
RINGO:
Leave them drums alone.
FLOOR
MANAGER: Oh surely I could just have a little touch.
RINGO:
You so much as breathe heavy on them and I’m out on strike.
FLOOR
MANAGER: Aren’t you being rather arbitrary?
RINGO:
There you go! Hiding me behind a smoke screen of bourgeois clichés. I don’t
go round messing about with your ear-phones, do I?
FLOOR
MANAGER: Spoilsport!
RINGO:
Well!
GEORGE:
He’s very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend.
PAUL:
What’s up?
GEORGE:
Oh he’s sulking again.
JOHN:
I’ll show him.
IF I FELL
JOHN: Pardon, pardon, excuse me, pardon. I’d like
more drums. There.
PAUL: No I think it’s that, it sounds like… on the
third bit, you know the third bit…
JOHN: In the third bit, more banging!
DIRECTOR:
Right. Let’s hear no more about it, you’re probably right. Now look, if you
think I’m unsuitable let’s have it out in the open, I can’t stand these
back-stage politics.
JOHN:
Wouldn’t you turn into black and white the situation somewhat?
DIRECTOR:
Well, quite honestly I wasn’t expecting “a musical arranger” to question
my ability... picture-wise.
JOHN: I
could listen to him for hours.
PAUL:
What’s all this about a musical arranger?
DIRECTOR:
Mr. McCartney Senior.
GRANDFATHER:
Hey Paulie, they’re trying to fob you off with this musical charlatan… but I
gave him the test.
DIRECTOR:
I’m quite happy to be replaced.
GRANDFATHER:
He’s a typical buck-passer.
DIRECTOR:
I won an award.
JOHN: A
likely story.
DIRECTOR:
It’s on the wall in my office.
NORM:
Hello our lot, everybody happy? All right, all right. If you don’t need them,
I’ll lock them up in the dressing room.
DIRECTOR:
Please do, I’ll not need them for half an hour. Thank you. Get me a bottle of
milk and some tranquilizers. I see it all now it’s a plot. A plot.
NORM: Now
come on you lot, I’ve got the key. Come on Ringo! Come on!
GRANDFATHER:
Leslie Jackson? I saw you father in the Old Empire in 1909, ah if you’re as
good as him son, you’re all right.
JOHN:
Gear costume!
ACTOR:
Swap?
JOHN:
Cheeky.
NORM:
Come on lads I’ve got the key. First floor and no messing about. Lennon, leave
them girls down or I’ll tell your mother of you. And stay here until that
rehearsal, I’ll keep you if I have to put the key in the lock and turn it!
RINGO:
We’re out!
CAN’T BUY ME LOVE
MAN: I
suppose you realize this is private property.
GEORGE:
Sorry we hurt your field, Mister.
NORM: Not
here.
SHAKE: Oh
they’ve probably gone to the canteen, cup of tea, like.
NORM: No,
that’s too easy for Lennon. He’s out there somewhere, causing trouble, just
to upset
me.
SHAKE:
You’re imagining it Norm. You’re letting it prey on your mind.
NORM:
No... this is a battle of nerves between John and me.
SHAKE:
John hasn’t got any.
NORM:
What?
SHAKE:
Nerves.
NORM: No,
that’s just the trouble. I’ve toyed with the idea of a ball and chain, well
he’s just rattled them at me and in public too. Sometimes I think he enjoys
seeing me suffer.
MILLIE:
Hello.
JOHN:
Hello.
MILLIE:
Oh, wait a minute, don’t tell me you’re...
JOHN: No,
I’m not.
MILLIE:
Oh you are, I know you are.
JOHN:
I’m not.
MILLIE:
You are.
JOHN:
I’m not, no.
MILLIE:
You look just like him.
JOHN: Oh
do I? You’re the first one who said that ever.
MILLIE:
Yes you do, look.
JOHN: No.
My eyes are lighter.
MILLIE:
Oh yes.
JOHN: And
my nose...
MILLIE:
Yes your nose is. Very.
JOHN: Is
it?
MILLIE: I
would have said so.
JOHN:
Aye, but you know him better though.
MILLIE: I
do not, he’s only a casual acquaintance.
JOHN:
That’s what you say.
MILLIE:
What have you heard?
JOHN:
It’s all over the place.
MILLIE:
Is it?
JOHN: But
I wouldn’t have it. I stuck up for you.
MILLIE: I
knew I could rely on you.
JOHN:
Thanks.
MILLIE:
You don’t look like him at all.
JOHN: She
looks more like him than I do.
VOICE
OVER: There will be a full rehearsal in ten minutes’ time. Ten minutes from
now, full rehearsal.
SECRETARY:
Oh there you are!
GEORGE:
Oh, sorry, I must have made a mistake.
SECRETARY:
No you haven’t, it’s that you’re just late.
GEORGE:
Oh?
SECRETARY:
Actually I think he’ll be quite pleased with you.
GEORGE:
Will he?
SECRETARY:
Yes, you’re quite a feather in the cap. Hello, I’ve got one... oh, I think
so... yes, he can talk... No well... and I think you ought to see him. Yes, all
right.
SECRETARY:
Come on.
GEORGE:
You don’t see many of these nowadays do you?
SECRETARY:
Come on.
GEORGE:
Sorry.
SECRETARY:
Simon, will this do?
SIMON:
Well. Not bad, dolly, not really bad. Turn around, chicky baby. Oh yes, he’s a
definite posse. He’ll look good alongside Susan. All right, Sunny Jim, this is
all going to be quite painless. Don’t breathe on me, Adrian.
GEORGE:
I'm terribly sorry but there seems to be some sort of misunderstanding.
SIMON:
Oh, surely you can come off it with us so you don't have to do the old adenoidal
glottal stop and carry on for our benefit?
GEORGE:
I’m afraid I don't understand.
SIMON:
Oh, my God, he’s a natural.
SECRETARY:
Well, I did tell them not to send us any real ones.
SIMON:
They ought to know by now the phonies are much easier to handle. Still he’s a
good type. We’d like you to give us your opinion on some clothes for
teenagers.
GEORGE:
Oh, by all means, I’d be quite prepared for that eventuality.
SIMON:
Well, not your real opinion, naturally. It’ll be written out and you’ll
learn it. Can you read?
GEORGE:
‘Course I can.
SIMON: I
mean lines, ducky, can you handle lines?
GEORGE:
Oh I’ll have a bash.
SIMON:
Good. Give him whatever it is they drink, cokearama?
GEORGE:
Ta.
SIMON:
Well, at least he’s polite. Show him the shirts, Adrian. Now, you’ll like
these. You’ll really “dig” them. They’re “fab” and all the other
pimply hyperboles.
GEORGE: I
wouldn’t be seen dead in them. They’re dead grotty.
SIMON:
Grotty?
GEORGE:
Yeah, grotesque.
SIMON:
Make a note of that word and give it to Susan. It’s rather touching really.
Here’s this kid, trying to give me his utterly valueless opinion when I know
for a fact that within a month, he’ll be suffering from a violent inferiority
complex and loss of status, because he isn’t wearing one of these nasty
things. Of course they’re grotty, you wretched nit, that’s why they were
designed, but that's what you’ll want.
GEORGE: I
won’t.
SIMON:
You can be replaced, chicky baby.
GEORGE: I
don't care.
SIMON:
And that pose is out too, Sunny Jim. The new thing is to care passionately, and
be right wing. Anyway, if you don’t cooperate you won’t meet Susan.
GEORGE:
And who’s this Susan when she’s at home?
SIMON:
Only Susan Campey, our resident teenager. You’ll have to love her. She’s
your symbol.
GEORGE:
Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong?
SIMON: I
beg your pardon?
GEORGE:
Oh, yes, the lads frequently sit round the TV. set and watch her for a giggle.
Once we even all sat down and wrote these letters saying how gear she was and
all that rubbish.
SIMON:
She’s a trend setter. It's her profession!
GEORGE:
She’s a drag. A well-known drag. We turn the sound down on her and say rude
things.
SIMON:
Get him out of here!
GEORGE:
Have I said something amiss?
SIMON:
Get him out. He's knocking the programme’s image!
GEORGE:
Sorry about the shirts.
SIMON:
Get him out. You don’t think he’s a new phenomenon, do you?
SECRETARY:
You mean an early clue to the new direction?
SIMON:
Where’s the calendar? No, he’s just the troublemaker. The change isn’t due
for three weeks yet. All the same, make a note not to extend Susan’s contract.
Let’s not take any unnecessary chances!
GIRL: So
I explained to my mother he was a very clean man.
NORM:
There’s no one here.
SHAKE: No
one here? But where are they gone?
DIRECTOR:
That’s wrong isn’t it? Surely, that’s wrong! No not you! Get him out!
NORM:
Someone’s coming. Quick, hide! Stop being taller than me!
SHAKE:
It’s not my fault…
JOHN:
What are you doing there?
SHAKE:
Hiding.
JOHN: You
must soft or something.
NORM:
Well we weren’t hiding, we were resting. I thought I had told you lot to stay
here?
RINGO:
Well?
NORM:
When I tell you to stay put, I mean stay put.
JOHN:
Don’t cane me, sir, I was led astray.
NORM: Oh
shut up John. They're waiting for you in the studio.
RINGO:
Gear, I’m dying to do a bit of work.
NORM: Oh
God bless you Ringo.
PAUL: Oh
that’s the teacher's pet.
GEORGE:
Crawler.
JOHN:
Betrayed the class eh?
RINGO: Oh
lay off!
JOHN:
Temper! Temper!
RINGO: Well!
NORM:
Will you all get a move on! They’re waiting for you!
JOHN: I
now declare this bridge open.
DIRECTOR:
Where are they? Where are they? Where are they?
FLOOR
MANAGER: They’re coming.
DIRECTOR:
Huh?
FLOOR
MANAGER: They’re coming, I promise you.
DIRECTOR:
Oh yes. Well now look, if they’re not here on this floor in thirty seconds
there’ll be trouble… understand me... trouble!
JOHN:
Standing about, eh? Some people have it dead easy!
DIRECTOR:
Once you’re over thirty, you’ve passed it. It’s a young man’s medium. I
just can’t stand the pace.
RINGO: Oh
he’s young as that then, he was?
JOHN: Ah
there he goes, look at him, bet his wife doesn’t know about her. I bet he
hasn’t even got a wife, look at his sweater.
PAUL: You
never know she might have knitted it.
JOHN:
She’s knitted him.
DIRECTOR:
Stand by, run through the number and try not to jiggle out of position. Hello?
Three, coming due. Three, three, coming due. Three!
VOICE
OVER: We’re on three.
DIRECTOR:
Huh?
VOICE
OVER: We’re on three.
DIRECTOR:
Oh yes. Music.
AND I LOVE HER
DIRECTOR:
Thank you. Very nice. Make-up?